It doesn’t matter

Very little that I held to be important did, actually.

None of the scraping for “the right path”.

None of my searching for names and identities.

None of my theorizing or raking my brains to try to put together the puzzle pieces or connect the dots.

None of it matters, and it never did.

It doesn’t matter because it’s too big for me. SHE is too big for me.

The only stuff I can precisely nail down is: she is definitely a feminine presence, she is my spiritually literal mother, she has answered as Lilith in the past, that name is most assuredly not her real name, the popular legends and myths associated with the name Lilith have almost NOTHING in common with her, she looks out for me and teaches me, and she’s willing to put up with crazy amounts of dream cuddles from me (bravo).

The bits I am fairly sure of, but can’t back up with lore or straight answers: she is (very probably) Gulveig, Freyja, or Frigg. Possibly all three at once. At any rate, I worship said Triplicate-of-Goddesses-As-One. She is also very young, and ancient at once.

On the rest of everything else — her origin, true nature, her full sphere of influence, etc. — she remains a true enigma.

I’ve decided to stop prying so hard for answers. I think it bugs me more than her, but answers in this are meaningless. My life is not better served for having concrete answers, and even if she answered point blank, Gods can lie as well. Sometimes for maliciousness as Tricksters might. Sometimes to shield us. And sometimes because they really can’t be bothered to give a straight truthful answer and what can you do about it, huh?

Sometimes, we work for years and years chasing a thing, only to one day be forced into the ugly, sobering, but beautiful realization that it doesn’t matter either way. It’s freeing, and we feel lighter when it happens. Whether you greet it with a howl of frustration, a nihilistic laugh, or a relieved sigh is entirely up to you.

That part DOES matter.

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