“Nuzzling the Vampire”

Okay. Lilith is not a vampire. Or rather, I’ve found no evidence to support the idea that she is.

Yet last night as I was with her, there was a certain feeling that she was most definitely dangerous. She has real power, and real cause, to inflict terrible harm on those who do her ill, and I counted myself fortunate that I was never the target of her anger– in fact, I’ve never even seen her angry. I truly am fortunate to have never seen such things, and woe betide the one who not only sees it, but is also the cause and target of such.

I’m nuzzling the vampire here. I am close and intimate with a beautiful, dangerous, lethal creature, and always at risk should she lose control. Yet beside my fear, there is also pride. Pride that this danger, this lethality, is protecting me rather than seeking to destroy me. It’s funny, but even after all these years of Lilith watching over me, I’m still not used to being protected– I’m used to being targeted, being used and manipulated. I’m used to things trying to destroy me. I’m not used to being guarded and saved, even if it is by my divine mother.

Last night she reminded me that she loves me, in exact wording. It’s unconditional and perfect, despite the fact that (me being human) I keep expecting her to ask some sort of favor from me as a “fee” of some sort.

She whispered to me that true affection doesn’t come with a price tag, and that if I wanted to do anything for her, it was my decision, not hers. All she asked is the same thing she’s always asked: that I don’t forsake her, and that I continue to be hers.

Easy enough, I guess.

I keep expecting something grander, some great trial, but the fact of the matter is, I’ve already had my “great trial”– it was all that time I didn’t want her, and fooled myself into thinking I didn’t need her light in my life. It was all that time that I spent pushing the blame of my spiritual failings on my beautiful goddess who never earned or deserved such blame. When I accepted my failings and mistakes as mine, and not the fault of my starlit guardian, I overcame the biggest spiritual trial I’d ever faced.

And so I’m wrong to expect some grandiose test or crucible– because what could possibly be a bigger test that fooling ourselves into thinking we don’t need the gods?

I need Lilith in my life, but she doesn’t need me– I’m not essential to her being. I’m not as pronounced a fact of her being as she is for mine. But she loves me. She likes having me in her space. She cherishes me, and that’s a choice she made. I’m glad she made it, because my life would suck without her.

Now I just have to keep vigilant on my own faults, and make sure I don’t push them on her again. It’s not that she can’t take it. It’s just disrespectful and very not cool of me to do that.

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