I don’t think it’s right to say I’m “rebuilding” anything with Lilith, at this junction, given recent developments. It feels familiar in a lot of ways, but the dynamic is entirely different. It feels more equal, and fair. We talk more, and more openly. I feel not just like a son, but almost an equal partner in things, and she seems to have compensated for my prior grievances by giving me what I asked for, and more.
She was very physical last night, and I could tell there was a major exchange of energy going on, and to be fair, she had told me exactly that would happen. It was very easy to embrace the moment, fall under the spell, and let her control me.
And I had considered it.
But I stopped it. I pushed her off, and simply said “No.”
She said she was going to induct me into knowledge of her brand of sexual magic, and while I appreciated the sentiment, I also mentioned that I needed to prove to myself that I had the strength to stand up to her pleasures, so that I couldn’t ever be steamrolled again like before.
“Very good.” she said, “While I would have chosen a different moment to learn that strength, and I’m glad that you have learned it. I want you to keep at that– but I really do wish it hadn’t been while I was trying to give you something special.”
I apologized for my bad timing, and she said “We’ll try this again in a month, when it’s right again.”
She held me again, like she always does, and I could tell that she’d started playfully changing shapes again, and soon had turned into something monstrous and grotesque, just to elicit a rise out of me, but I simply leaned into her harder and said it didn’t matter. I’d seen her various sides already, including bits of the monster she could be, and yet I had kept coming back. and so did she. She’d fought tooth and nail to keep me when I’d tried to push her away and be a “good Christian”, and I had been so obstinate as to make her sob.
But, for better and worse, I have a powerful bond to her.
She even asked why I hadn’t tried to become a “priest” or a “prophet” for her, and I just said that I wasn’t interested. It wouldn’t change the dynamic in a meaningful way, and besides, very few people would believe that Lilith had chosen any man to be a priest.
“But I would know, as would those who know you.” She responded, “Your friends would know, even if your Earthly family tried to deny it. Things work best for us when they aren’t well defined, so I wouldn’t ask a ritual or spelll cast in my name to declare you a priest. Just ask it of me, and I will give you the honor.”
I still declined, for the moment, because I was unsure of how I felt about being a priest for any god or goddess. With the title comes responsibilities that I’m not sure I could uphold.
But she nodded and said “I’m glad.”
It’s not something she would want me to jump into, apparently.
This past week with her has been amazing. It’s reaffirmed my faith in Her, and having her admire my newfound strength and caution has been so validating. I’m happy to be acknowledged not as “her child” but as “her son”. I’m happy that she told me I could expect a trial, instead of just letting it happen without a word. In some ways, it’s like I’m discovering Her for the first time, again.
And I’m glad.