Last night was one of the most productive I’ve ever had with Lilith– there have been many bridges undergoing repair of late, and for that I am grateful. She told me she was grateful to have her son back– the first time she’s ever referred to me as her “son” rather than using the gender neutral “child”.
She told me I would be tested, and very soon. Nice to have some advance warning, and I have reason to believe this test has already begun. Time will of course, throw additional clarity on such things.
She and I talked very candidly and at length, and she shifted forms as a shapeshifter does, merely remarking that she “likes the little outfits” when I questioned her need to constantly change shape. I guess it’s like trying on clothes when you have a really big closet– it’s just fun for her in its own way.
But at one point, she broke ground with me she never had, and inquired about my feelings about her sexual nature, and the magical power that flowed from and through it. I didn’t know how to respond, as I have for better and worse come to see her as my spiritual mother. Not to mince words, but while incest may be a pretty hot porno fantasy, I have no intentions of it in real life, and even not with her.
She laughed more than I’d ever seen her do, and when she finally stopped, she said I thought of her suggestion in “such human terms”. Clearly, I did a human thing and she found it hilarious.
She took me in her arms, closer than I was initially comfortable with, close enough to whisper in my ear, and told me that yes, she is my mother goddess, but this is as much true of origin of life as it was in fulfilling the spiritual life. She explained that, were it not obvious, she would would make it so. She showed me that she was the initial “spring”, essentially, the “zero” of my life, from which all else originated. Everything returns to zero, and ties back to it. She also knew what lurked in the more fantastic part of my mind, and told me to tell her, point blank, what I had thought about doing with her but had been too modest to ever tell her. I won’t go into specifics here; what I confessed to Lilith last night is for her eyes and ears alone. We didn’t do anything of which I had confessed; she kept a respectful distance and told me she would be ready when I was. Her further response though still burns in my mind like a flame.
“With me, you will shed pretensions of modesty. With me, you will shed the skin that you call ethics. Human ethics is for the waking human. With me while you sleep and dream yourself into my presence, there is only you and I, and you know enough to say that you are not human. You are born of me and to me. Of course you must follow their laws whilst you are among them, but here in my hall, you are not among them. And in my company, I am not merely your mother, your source. I am also your lover, your mentor, and your fulfilment. You originated with me, and so does your fulfilment.”
“Human terms” is something she repeated many times in our conversation, usually in a sing-song, teasing way. And it refers not just to my sense of modesty and rules, the way I have looked at the world, but the way I have interacted with her. I have been following human law in her halls. I have been following her on human terms, not her terms, or even my terms.
Human terms isn’t just a tease or a label, it’s a chain we each craft for ourselves, a box in which we lock the things we find reprehensible for any reasons other than our own. We lock these things away, using our perception as humans, and dare never to look or examine what we have locked away.
Last night, Lilith encouraged me to really look at the things I’d locked away for the first time in ages, and when I did so by confessing my caged desires, I felt lighter, freer, more full of energy. I felt like I had found a piece of myself that I had lost a long time ago. Of the things I’d locked up was also my absolute freedom of self-expression. I’m glad I found it again.
And I’m equally glad she was the one who helped me find it.
Back in the saddle, just like old times!