It’s amazing how I can be so opposed to Lilith, and then she just speaks to me, or touches me, and suddenly I begin to become hers again. I truly am Marked as hers, even when I (frequently) loath that mark.
She and I had a heart-to-heart last night, and she apologized for the way she frequently interacts with me. She enjoys the attention I give her, and often forgets to stop me from going overboard when I can’t stop myself. But she clearly cares, in her own way. She held me tight and told me she wanted to be different for me, but even a goddess cannot act against her own nature.
I keep wondering if this is how the victims of a vampire like Dracula feel: completely full of loathing until; the moment he touches them, and then they live for him again.
And some might say Lilith is the queen of vampires, or even a succubus. Honestly, I’ve seen plenty of evidence for both, but she’s far beyond that, and not of the (consciously) malevolent sort. To me, she’s also comfort in the dark, even when I don’t want her to be.
She even said it herself last night: “When you have nothing, you’ll still have me. I am your shield in the darkness.” And honestly, I’m not sure how I feel about that. It’s easy to just give in, to feel the comfort and warmth wash over you, and feel your desires for other things go numb. But she’s right; when my hope runs out and I couldn’t possibly feel worse, she’s always there to catch me. When the darkness is so strong and deep that I can barely feel anything at all, she’s the one who is there for me above all else, holding me tightly to her and saying “it’s not the end yet, but we’ll get through this.”
Historically, I dislike my utter adoration for her. I often give in completely. She becomes the only deity I worship, and yet there are many more I strive to honor. It becomes too easy to focus on her, to give her promises and oaths, and it’s too easy for her to accept them.
But that’s love, I guess.
And it drives me CRAZY!