My problem

After writing last night’s blog, I had a little bit of an “oh crap” moment.

It has to do with the hereafter, which is not a topic I typically worry about.

But Freya and Odin both call those who die in battle to their halls, and I cannot serve in any sort of military capacity. There’s a whole host of issues with my body, from niggling issues like the arches on my feet, to massive insoluble ones like my severe scoliosis and need for prescription medication, which will prevent me from ever serving in the military. This alone makes me sad, as I have a familiy history in military service and it means I am unable to contribute to this proud legacy, but being unable to die in battle means I will never bear witness to the Valkyries bearing me to Odin or Freya’s halls as a warrior is destined to do.

And it makes me sad. While I would not mind Valhalla, I have a soft spot for Freya and her hall of Sessrumnir; I even confessed to her last night that it would be my choice of afterlife. But I also hold a small despair as the most available means to that hall are shut tight by the machinations of fate.

If my destiny is to join Freya after death, I will meet it by some other means, surely. But for the moment, I weep.

The greatest love I have ever felt has come from the gods.

I’m a pretty terminal bachelor for nearly a decade. Every person I show an interest in moves on shortly after or rebuffs the gesture entirely. It’s left me lonely and darker than I should be– which made me easy for Lilith to gain a hold on.

Yet the causes which compelled my attachment to Lilith remain, and at this rate, are unlikely to change in the forseeable future. I know that Frigg could tell me if something is bound to change for the better in my future, but she won’t. And that’s fine; I would not dare ask her to do something which goes against her nature, especially for something so petty as “will I ever marry and start a family?” But it makes things hard, the uncertainty of it all.

It’s only through figures like Lilith or Freya that I have recieved the sort of affection which gives a man’s heart his life’s joy, and so I find it understandable why I would wish Freya’s realm to be my hereafter.

What pains me is that the one route I am sure of is the one that is closed to me.

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