And while I still love the church community, I cannot bring myself to love their god. His presence was like… acid. It was like a toxin in my veins, and I wasn’t expecting that. I don’t think that anyone ever expects to reject a deity on a biological level. I felt closed off and isolated. Of course, we can factor in a social aspect here: being the only “godless” pagan in a roomful of some 50-60 Christians can have an effect, definitely. But this was more. This was a feeling of being “punished” for breaking oaths that were made under false pretenses. I had been a naïve child then, and when they told me there was only one choice, I had believed them.
And now their god punishes me for seeking a freer life. That’s how it feels, at least.
In the end, I had curled up in the back of the sanctuary and dove headlong into the Eddas, and repeating the names of Odin, Tyr, Thor, Frigga, Freya, and Heimdall like a mantra to stave off the oppressive air I had found myself in.
I have no idea what really happened, or if my subconscious was merely playing tricks on unseen expectations. It could even have been Loki picking a superb time to play a nasty trick on me– if so, well played, Loki. I promise I won’t take it personal.
I like to think one of those is the case; otherwise, I have another spiritual force out there who doesn’t seem too fond of me.
And yet, in spite of all that, I am not dissuaded.
I will continue to follow the gods I have rightfully chosen, the ones who saved me in a very special way. I owe them the loyalty of my choice. This isn’t a loyalty chosen when one god shoved all the others out of the room and said “pick your favorite god IN THIS ROOM!”
This was loyalty earned. They’d allowed themselves to be compared to the other gods I’d met, and I had chosen them based on their merits, not trickery or duplicity. They earned that.
I always get a shiver when I KNOW that some other being is watching me, lurking in the shadows of some plane I have yet to master, and I have such a shiver as I write this: a cold chill up and back down my spine. I think I know who it is (and there aren’t exactly a bounty of choices atm).
And yet still I say “Screw Him.”
He had his chance. He blew it. He must face the music, just as Lilith is.
I love my gods, and no one else’s.