The Silent Best Friend

I didn’t have a great relationship with my dad growing up. We never did father and son stuff. We didn’t play ball, we didn’t go see movies, we didn’t go camping (except maybe once, and he scared the crap out of me one morning by pretending to be a bear prowling outside my tent), and we never ever built a treehouse.

All that sort of stuff I did with my mom, every time, all the time.

I got to build a better relationship in the last two years of my life with my dad than I had ever had in the previous 15.

Perhaps this explains, somewhat, why I never felt attached or loyal to some even more intangible father figure foisted on me by parent’s religion. Why God was always silent for me. The father I lived with and saw and tried to speak to every day wasn’t all that great or involved, so why should an invisible man-in-the-sky father be any different?

The other bit of this is that I was “adopted” by Lilith at a very early age. That relationship, you might notice in earlier entries, is one I have chosen to cut off, as she ended up… not much better than God. But cutting off the relationship doesn’t strike it from history, and adopted I was. I was taken from God’s flock by one of the old gods, who cultivated me well for a different path, a purpose apart from that of Christianity. I still don’t know what it is, but with each meeting, each failure, each separation and each new subsequent meeting or repaired relationship, I feel nearer to discovering what it is.

The closest I ever felt to having a God as a father figure was Odin, and even then it wasn’t a total match; Odin I can confide in, and take my more desperate prayers to, but ultimately, my appeals are heard by God the Mother.

I’ve settled into knowing very little about the separated beings I worship– it’s just something I learned to accept. But with the Mother, I know a great deal, because I live among her essence all the time.

Alaska is still a land greatly richened with Her spirit; everything from mountains, forests, streams, and the very spring winds that blow around me, everything has something of Her in it.

I see Her in the moon and stars, and feel Her warmth in the sun.

For the first time, I really feel like Nature itself is the God(dess).

For me, God isn’t found in dusty books anymore, or in churches or temples. God isn’t found in ritual and prayer. She is found by opening a window, a door, or the doorflap of a tent, and basking in the beauty and raw power of nature, and how these things go hand in hand. There is beauty, and there is ugliness. There is warmth, and there is cold. There is life, and there is death.

I may have just paraphrased a Bond Villain. Pretty sure I just did.

But it IS an accurate point. But nature does not respond to prayer. It’s not in Her, well, nature. I still pray to Asgard for that reason. I’m sure Mother wishes she could help more directly, but that’s one thing Nature can’t do: nature cannot choose favorites– her favor is shown only to those who survive, and those who succeed. Odin and Frigg CAN intervene, and if I need specific advice, my best allies are a quick prayer away.

Depending on your path, you may or may not know how liberating having faith in several gods is. For me, it has been a life saver, and more than that, a soul saver. Centering on the Earth again has been another move which fills me with a sense that I am moving to where my destiny pulls me. I believe in destiny, that my purpose in life is preordained, yet the journey is a blank page. The Norns have drawn my destiny at birth, yet I, being unaware of it, can only stumble towards it, following a feeling and a belief that where I go is where I am to do the best for the world.

I’m going to be honest with you. I have no idea how my current path really works. It just sort of does. It’s not as rigid as it was when I followed Lilith– it’s not as pretty or as cleanly defined. Should I consider the Earth Her own deity, or am I worshipping Fjorgyn from the Norse understanding? Am I worshipping Gaia, or some nebulous, non-sapient oblong sphere of rock, water, air, and various forms of biomass hurtling through space? I truthfully have no idea. I admit to winging it. I wing it a LOT. But it’s not really called “winging it”. I prefer to think of it as a leap of faith. I have no real answers, only questions which if answered would simply present more questions until I went mad from the non-revelations.

So what do I do?

Keep calm and K.B.O.

Keep Buggering On.

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