So, the saga continues.
Last night I was consulting a friend whose advice I value very much. She’s a regular reader of the blog (You know… all eight of you guys) and someone I have come to trust, and her advice was invaluable.
The principal topic was yesterday’s entry, and how, for the first time since I was small, I had no real idea of where I was heading spiritually. I felt sort of adrift, like without my goddess I was without use or purpose, and I received the kindest slap in the face I could have received.
Anyway, long story short, last night before my usual dream-prayer, I prayed to my friend’s deity, the Triple Goddess. This felt very odd for me as I am used to other deities, but as I continued, it sort of fell in naturally.
I didn’t know what to do, what to say, or how to say it, so I just decided to talk and be honest.
“I don’t know you. I know I have wanted to in the past, but I don’t know you. But I have a friend who does, and I trust her word that you can help. I don’t even know what help I need, but it’s better to start with something, I guess.”
After I fell asleep, I began my usual dream-walk, and I felt an embrace very similar to what I used to feel from Lilith. Warm, enveloping, including and protecting. I jerked away, afraid it was Lilith, come back to drag me back with sweet poison.
But it wasn’t. Upon closer reflection, it felt more like my grandmother’s hugs than anything else– soft and genuine, not like Lilith’s, which tend to have a sort of “grip” or “pull” I can’t really properly describe. With Lilith, I always wanted “more”. More intensity, more contact. I would throw myself in, press into the embrace as if it would somehow net me some more satisfactory result.
This one didn’t have that. I don’t know if my astral self has muscle memory, but failing that, old habits died hard, but I quickly realized I didn’t need to do that here. I could be sure this wasn’t the return of the dark goddess I had so recently split with (hopefully for good this time).
I’m so used to my gods having names to call them by that writing this next part is actually a bit difficult. But it became obvious that SHE had been listening. I had asked for help, and here she was, ready to deliver aid. I recall asking if my “mark” could be overwritten. I didn’t want to bear Lilith’s mark. I didn’t want to be her child anymore. If there was something I could do to further the rift, and be more my own person, I made it clear I wanted it done.
And, without words, she offered to “adopt” me, if I wanted it. Even Frigg never made such an offer (not sure I would have accepted, even if she did). I wanted to be “rational”. I wanted to respond with something like “I want to hang back, see what else is out there.” But maybe it’s a blessing or a curse that I was so willing. I cannot know my fate before it happens, but I like to think I am acting on instinct rather than sheer impulse. Throwing myself in to things has gotten me in trouble before; it’s why I am in the situation I am in now, because of something I threw myself into when I was much younger.
I am wary, for good reason. I want security and assured respect from whomever I give my oath to. I am also hasty. I want this issue resolved, and I want it done NOW!
I want to have my cake and eat it too, as do we all.
But faith is a little like a financial investment: without risk and something up front, there will never be a payoff, but that doesn’t mean we rush in and throw our assets away on wild gambles. I think in part, my haste is because right now, I feel vulnerable, almost scared, even.
I would fly wholeheartedly to the gods of Asgard, whom I continue to respect, but for the fact that despite some noble efforts, I’ve never been able to exactly worship them. I respect them and admire them, but at the end of the day, I do not love them, and that is a requirement for me. Whoever I give my oath to, I must first be able to love them.
And this is why the Triple Goddess appeals to me. On my first meeting, I felt at ease, comfortable, and loved.
If nothing else, I saw the face of the Divine in the sunrise this morning. That’s a big sign, and one I have not properly noticed in a long time.
So at least I know the split with a dark goddess was not made in vain. And my most successful splits have been when I was able to fall in love with something else.