First thought: I will never advertise a personal crisis (my goldfish died, they ran out of ice cream at Walgreen’s, assorted First World Problems), unless it somehow interfaces with my spiritual life somehow.
Which this does.
I was reading over some of my words from my last entry, and it became apparent that there were certain… hallmarks of an unhealthy relationship present in same. And this is not a new grievance; I have broken off with Lilith many, many times. Which is a sign in and of itself, to be honest.
So I went to Frigg– I would have gone directly to Odin, but I have always felt more comfortable around goddesses than gods, something I believe Lilith has time and again used to her advantage.
I asked her advice, and I told her everything, being as honest as I could. I even knelt before her– mostly as a sign that I was being absolutely, desperately serious. I asked her to be honest with me. I wanted the Allmother’s opinion on it all: on me, Lilith, my relationship to Asgard. I wanted no punches pulled.
And she came through for me. The Allmother advised that I find a new path, one that promoted healing and a decent separation from that goddess that I have so long adored. I have been considering several options, including Wicca, even, but I have decided to go along with Asgard for now and see what that produces. I have never been one for rituals in religion– I have always preferred to speak simply and speak candidly with the gods, believing that sacrifices and many rituals are the work of men. But I will find something to do for them soon; something special and personal, a gift from me to them. Because when Lilith grew bored and left, Frigg was there. When Lilith sang a siren’s song to pull me back in, Thor and Tyr offered their arms in my defense (an offer I have finally accepted, it seems), and when Lilith didn’t deign to teach me anything that night, Odin was ready, stories in hand.
Asgard has been an unwavering and steadfast ally, and while it never feels good to break an oath, much less in favor of another… this time it may well be worth it.
[EDIT] I don’t plan on “converting” to Asatru or anything like that, merely affirming an old comradery. I plan to, for the time being, pursue any path which helps me along a new path. I have never been one to limit myself to one path or pantheon. I would fully embrace Wicca, to be honest, if I felt I could live up to the rituals better. Outside of that, it seems pretty well tailored to me.