I exist at the moment at an odd flux.
I dream, but rarely recall when I awaken, which was not so long ago a strange occurrence. I know that they are good dreams, or at the very least un-bad ones, as bad dreams leave a distinct sort of… I suppose “aftertaste” is the closest word to what I mean.
And while I don’t remember the dreams, I feel every morning that my goddess has been there, sometimes in a stronger capacity than others. Her touch is once again in everything, and I am inspired.
I keep telling myself her periods of silence are a test of devotion. So far, that’s what the evidence supports, but every time it happens, I question. I call. I reach.
I strain on a slender branch, reaching into a void I can never fully know, unsure of whether she will take my hand and help me fly from behind the dark veil, or some horrid beast will surge forth and attempt to make me into prey. Worse yet, I could stumble, and fall into the blackness. I have before. It’s not pleasant. It’s made me wary, but doubt is a great deal of what triggers such weakness. When I allowed doubt to rule me then, when I doubted my path, I fell. I relapsed into old christian habits for which I felt nothing at all, mostly because they had become a routine, and therefore comforting.
Color me slightly hypocritical then, given that I still do this, not by relapsing into Jesus-freak mode, but into Asatru mode.
But it’s not entirely hypocritical, and I will explain why.
When I relapsed into Christian mode, I was switching back to a religion I had no actual stock in: I’d wanted it to work for so long– but it was all investment with no return, or even signs that a return was due. Of course, one is always promised, but if promises bought dinner, no one would starve. By the time I’d reached the end, my faith had died and it was broken. Maybe the Christian God existed, but due to my “mark” as a child of Lilith, he clearly hadn’t wanted much to do with me. Initially, I’d been offended. I lashed out against an uncaring god and blah blah blah. You probably know how that works by now.
But when Lilith showed me the gods of Asgard, I had what amounted to a fall back plan. If ever Lilith left my presence for any reason, one of the Æsir or Vanir would catch me and keep me from falling into something which could only cause me to hurt myself.
Lilith still goes quiet on occasion; she’s very catlike in that regard. Everything is done on her terms in her own time. She doesn’t desire worship like other deities seem to, and she tolerates mine by understanding I really don’t have another way of actually expressing my love for her. She doesn’t behave like a worshiped deity because she has no desire to be such. To be worshiped is to be beholden to your worshipers, and she has always been freedom incarnate. So occasionally, she expresses that, and goes off somewhere for some mysterious end. I used to gripe about that, but I am finally starting to make my peace with it.
When she goes, I don’t torment myself like I used to. I don’t fall back on a religion I feel nothing for. I sit with my copy of the Eddas, look to Odin, and say “Tell me a story, All-father, that will make me a better man.”
And then he does. That’s not hypocrisy after all. That’s wisdom.