My word, it’s good to know I’m not the only one who feels this way (good in that horrible way). My arguments and spats with Lilith are the stuff of legend, but at the end of the day, she is the only One I am sure I have. Even when I hate her, think she’s being neglectful or overbearing, I circle back to her. Because she’s not any of those things.
She does nothing I can do. She only intervenes when I lack the power or ability to do so.
And she’s been trying hard to fix my soft polytheism as well. If anyone can, it’s her.
I’m actually a pretty horrible pagan, because I’m very forgetful. Rituals, holy days, whole seasons pass and I completely forget them. I have a high tendency to neglect my own sacred rituals and festivals absent-mindedly unless I am CONSTANTLY REMINDING myself to put in the effort. I don’t have the “benefit” of a merchandising superculture to remind me of key holidays and festivals (a fact I’m mostly glad for).
And Lilith shows outstanding patience. When I realize what I’ve forgotten, far too late usually, she will wait for me to fall asleep, and enter my dreams. “It’s not a disaster. You are young in this way of life and learning. What do we do when we miss the target?”
We try, and try, and try until we hit it and keep hitting it, of course.
I’ve threatened repeatedly to break my oath to her, and I’ve even tried. Her answer is always a flat “You KNOW you don’t really mean that.” with no hint of tears or sorrow; more like she’s calling me out on my bullshit, arms crossed, voice terse, and a flat, unflinching stare. And she’s right. As always.
I’ve always followed Lilith in something of a lockstep, but it wasn’t until LAST YEAR that I formally admitted I was Pagan, rather than just a really terrible and cursed Christian. But it’s refreshing to see (also a twinge of melancholy) that the struggles I face are faced by others of the path, regardless of how long we walk it.