Looking back at some old blog entries (the workplace firewall that keeps me from accessing 70% of the internet is down for the moment), I see that Lilith has kept her promise.
Once upon a time, when I had been sworn to Lilith, I made an oath to her. Our rocky relationship wildly sours and sweetens, yet no matter how much I’ve tried to distance myself, whether from anger or caution, her old promise still rings true.
“Don’t worry, Little One. You are mine, and that one, nor anyone else, will never own you. You promised yourself to me once, and this is my promise to you, in kind.”
And recently, she compounded her promise with this:
“You speak on and on of your need for self-control. You fear me, and occasionally you hate me, because I deny you this control. But you also need me and love me because of this.”
And she’s right. It comes with being a Beta personality. Lilith is a very strong Alpha female personality, and she takes hold very easily. My dislike of her is more my dislike of myself, that I have neither will, nor ultimately a desire to truly leave. It’s more akin to breathing room, time off to get my head straight and my frustrations out.
And then she returns to collect when it becomes apparent again that I need her.
I hate her for it, and yet I love her at the same time.
One day I’ll get this all sorted.
It’ll be a good day when it happens.
In other news, my relationship with Lilith is such a D/s novel it’s not even funny anymore– just now I can finally see it for what it is.