My guard is still up

Lilith came to my dreams last night. It’s been a few nights since her last visit, mostly because I refused to allow her close enough. She came peddling nostalgia and old feelings and promises that she didn’t mean to hurt  me and that she could fix things if I let her.

I decided there was little harm in hearing her out, but I called on Frigga and Freya to give me clarity and protect me, respectively, if things went bad. Under their watch, I was able to let Lilith get in a little closer.  I repeated my mantra that Dark is not Evil, tempering my ever-present desire with caution and I treated the whole affair with kid gloves; I’ve been forgiving before and every time I forgave, I got burned. I refuse to forgive here; but I am moving past old hurts. But if this is going to work, she has to be made aware that my guard is back up and it won’t come back down. Too much bad has happened when it does. I was dominated and steamrolled under her feminine power and force of will, and what’s more dangerous is that I enjoyed it. I enjoyed being lost in her shadows and relished too much being reduced and whittled down into what seemed almost like a doll for her to dress up and play with on occasion when it suited her. I gave her too much of myself, and that’s not something that works. I allowed myself to be blinded, and made no effort to preserve me in the process, becoming defined solely by her. And as a dark goddess, she allowed me to do that. Lilith is passionate, wild, and what I would often label immature in her actions. She may know better. She may not. But I know for a fact she doesn’t care. She does what she wants when she wants.

By all means, Lilith. I want this rift between us fixed. I want this bridge mended and I want to allow you back in my life, if for no other reason than the fact that you are there no matter what I choose. Since we must  be in proximity, I may as well work to make it a pleasant experience.

But I intend to use caution. I won’t ever be ruled like that again. Not. Ever.

Freya has largely taken the old space I allotted for Lilith, because she allows me rational thought and provides the same degree of comforting and protection. In many respects, Freya is exactly the goddess I had always desired Lilith to be.

Between the two of them, Dark and Light are represented in equal measure, which I hope will bring some balance into my historically rocky relationship with the divine and bring energy and clarity into my life again.

If not, it’s easy enough to put my shields back up at full.

2 thoughts on “My guard is still up

  1. Very interesting this! I found your blog through Google. I’m currently researching (for my own purposes) the divine feminine. Lilith has crossed my path lately and I’ve been familiar with Freya before when I was quite young. I wonder why there is not more information about all this out there. Anyway, thanks for this. It’s certainly some dood for thought…

    • Lilith is my chief divine and I write about her often. This was definitely an older entry, and of course the qualities of interactions and experiences change over time.

      If you have more spare moments, all my Lilith stuff is categorized together, and you may find more recent posts that could also be of use.

      Thanks for visiting!

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