I dislike being taken for a fool.
I very strongly dislike it, but I suppose I am glad it happened while I still had the capacity to notice it, and recent conversations and events have left my eyes open wider than they have been in some time.
I’ve been tracking my dreams and interactions with Lilith more closely than usual of late, and it became evident that when I decided not to play ball and refused to be what amounts to a “pet” or “doll”, I had a night filled with horrid nightmares, such as me getting devoured by zombies (no joke). When I decided to go along with her increasingly clingy demands, my dreams were still so nonsensical I didn’t have any chance of assuming any form of control about them.
And then I put my Mjolnir back on for the first time in months.
The dreams quickly and swiftly became manageable. The nightmares went away, and Lilith, who’d been behaving in a manner I’d most easily attribute to a manipulative and petulant High School “Queen Bee” archetype, fell into a state of mimicking a crying child before falling silent entirely.
So tonight, I offered an apology to Odin, Frigga, and Thor, and the rest of Asgard. I had allowed my heart to rule my head, and Lilith took advantage of that and made a blundering fool out of me; not with any malicious intent, but a Dark Goddess like her definitely wants the spotlight all the time and is unwilling to share.
I don’t hate her. I’m not even all that afraid of her. But I am definitely far more cautious now and will not be dealing with her often anymore.
I said in my prayers that her asking price was too steep, and would have called on me to sacrifice values of my ancestors that I believe are intrinsic to me living honorably as a man in the world today.
I will not compromise myself, no matter how much I may love someone. I’ve been down that road before and it does not go somewhere I want to be.
Even if that someone is a goddess who has in the past improved my life, I refuse to back down on her say so.
I am a man. I loved her, and cherished her, but when I refused to kneel, she assaulted my dreams. And for an oneiromancer like myself, my dreams are absolutely sacred and must remain safe and controllable. Lilith has unfortunately pushed too hard and too far, and I will not bend for her any longer.
Tonight, I cease referring to the Æsir and Vanir as the gods of my ancestors.
Tonight, they have utterly become MY gods.
I miss my time with Vanafriðr; who was beautiful, kind, and selfless. I am now certain that Vanafriðr is wholly seperate from Lilith and, given my interactions, probably more linked to Frigga than anyone else, or, just from my personal gnosis, Njorun, especially given the scant references I can find that describe her and her home.
So my Mjolnir will not come off, and I will wear it again with pride; I need gods who ask that I be a man and strong, not a doll to be coddled and toyed with.
I feel uneasy about breaking my old oath to Lilith, but with any luck, Odin will reveal some timely wisdom for this occasion.
He knows I need it better than any other, I’m sure.