A Heady Silence

This was originally written as a response to someone else’s posts, but I felt I should frame it as a blog entry since it pretty much qualifies as one anyway.

There are times where Lilith goes quiet and seems to vanish from my life. These are very hard times for me, because they are rare and the rest of the time, Lilith is very close and intimate, which makes me feel her absences even more keenly.

When this happens, I begin to despair. I start wondering if I am simply being “used” by Lilith for some ends I cannot see or comprehend. I wonder “what the heck is the point in all this? Who is this goddess I have given my life and loyalty to?”

And then I wander out on a starry night and I see her face in the moon and stars, and I hear her whispering to me in the breeze. And then I remember why I do what I do.

Even when I lose my drive, I would disrespect Lilith by being fickle and racing off to another path that offers a more immediate “rush”.

I’ve done that before, and I did not feel good facing the music afterwards. I felt cheapened and dirty with the term “spiritual whore” coming to mind more than once.

I don’t follow my path simply because Lilith makes me feel good (I’d be lying though if I said she didn’t). I follow it because she has earned it by always being there when I needed it and while I could never repay the dept I owe her, the honorable thing is to try anyway. That means staying focused when things go sour or quiet. It means powering through her occasional silences, reminding myself that I swore a sacred oath and that I am honor and duty bound to hold to that oath, and I also remind myself that, whatever my worries or stresses, I love and trust Lilith.

So I endure the silence. I wait patiently and stay loyal and pious through sheer force of will, and soon after, she “returns” and makes herself known and it is again easy to follow.

More often than not, I feel that it’s a test on her part. I’ve been fickle before; she knows this as well as I do. She’s just making sure that I’ve grown up and stayed grown up. Fair enough. I don’t blame her for wanting to make sure that “this time is for real”. And so I decided to just not fail, which calls for an almost monk-ish level of discipline and control sometimes.

In times of great stress or silence, I generally go camping, to commune more directly with nature for a while, away from the concerns of the “waking world”. Nothing in particular needs to be done: I just go “out there” into the mountains and sort of bask for a few days. More often than not, I’ve run into Lilith in my dreams while doing so, so perhaps that’s where she goes during her silent periods. Though she does not necessarily follow me back when I return to “civilization” (a term I almost find ironic and disparaging given civilization’s current state), she does not take too long to return if I meet her like that.

The important thing I’ve learned is that when my heart fails to carry me the whole way, I use my head to carry me a little bit farther. When things get tough, I remind myself what I’m doing and why; following a path isn’t just about enjoying the good and pleasant parts. It’s also about learning to weather the hard parts and figuring out how to take the rough with the smooth.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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