Testation

My dreams have ceased to be understandable. It’s hugely worrying to me, as it feels once again as if Lilith is testing me by distancing herself. I hate it when she does this. Every night, my dreams are more vague, often merely consisting of streams of feelings and colors. Am I being cut off from my goddess? Or am I cutting her off? My sleep schedule has been highly upset by work requirements in recent weeks. Perhaps I should find more time in the day to embrace her and chase her. She’s always enjoyed a good chase in the past.

Sometimes, we are called upon to test ourselves. I do not say “prove ourselves” as the expression conveys something that could be more easily construed as negative, and sometimes not rightly so. Just because we are tested does not mean we are proved one way or the other. The gods all have their own tests for us, but Lilith’s are the ones I feel most keenly. She bids me to follow, and sometimes I feel like life is demanding so much of me that I can’t. Who can spare the time?

And then she says “you will live over 80 years by your kind’s current reckoning. Give me a few hours of that a night, and I will fill your life with wonder. Just the eight hours. You can give me that much.”

Who has the time for the gods? I do, even if I can’t see it. It’s my duty to see it though, in many ways. Why bother with the relationship if I refuse to put in the effort, after all? Lilith does not demand much of me; in fact, she demands very little; she merely asks that I sleep when she calls, and turn my thoughts to her as I do so. She handles everything else from there. It’s not hard or demanding work. In fact it’s so easy, it’s simple to forget.

So tonight, I give myself more wholly than I have been able to.

She deserves that much from me.

Good night and gods bless.

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