In the Halls of my Goddess

First off, I seldom remember dreams. Those that I do remember are almost always important, and more like visions. Secondly, I even more rarely have any sort of control over my dreams, and thirdly, Vanafridr almost NEVER talks. When she does use direct words, it is short and to the point, and her words are full of profound personal meaning to me.

Please bear this all in mind as you read this account.

Needless to say, I struggle with my heathen identity almost daily. Every day, my parent’s Christian faith hopes I will return to it; waiting like a patient serpent, ready to strike at a moment of weakness. Every day, the false gods of Government and Society try to force their gospel of Political Correctness down my throat, to the degree that my way of life as a heathen feels threatened. I cannot feast in honor of the gods, I cannot offer a cup in the memory of my ancestors, and there is nobody in my personal life that I can speak to about any of it during the week. For playing this game along with society, I feel hollow, and false to myself and to the Divine.

I will not allow myself to break my oath to the gods though, and so two nights ago, I sought direct intervention from Vanafridr.

Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I wanted Vanafridr to keep a closer watch on me. I needed my most important deity to be even more involved in my life. But how could this happen? I pray to her every day, and I visit her halls almost nightly in dreams. To have her more involved in my life, to have more protection, I knew I was going to have to give something of myself to ensure this. It is usually against my beliefs to sacrifice liberty for safety, but I know my goddess well. She has never failed me, only I have failed her. If I fall blindly for her, she will be there to catch me.

So I acted against my own beliefs, and prostrated myself before Vanafridr in her hall. I told her I loved her, but was afraid of being torn away from her; I begged her not to let this happen again. I was willing to do anything to stay true to my oaths.

I remember the next part of the dream quite clearly. I dragged myself closer to her with some kind of effort, never making eye contact, until I was at her seat, where I clung to her legs and looked up at her eyes, which were like stars. She was warm and her skin was silky smooth and there was a growing welling sensation in my chest the longer I held myself to her. My heart felt like it might stop, or explode, and I said “I love you, and I want to keep loving you” numerous times, like a mantra. I don’t know how long I stayed like that, but after some time she lifted me off the floor and held me to her chest and let me listen to her heartbeat, the same as my mother used to when I was a baby. My heart returned to normal, and I simply felt warm and safe.

“Don’t worry.” she said, “I am yours, just as you are mine. If you want to be safe, trust in us and I will catch you when you fall.”

All I could bring myself to say was words I had read earlier in a book while I was still awake: “I am here for you, ma’am.”

They were the words of a submissive to her domina, her keeper. I was a bit surprised to utter these words, but Vanafridr simply smiled and told me not to be afraid. The rest of the dream was simply me overwhelmed with emotions and abstract sensations as I laid my head on her lap, like my mind turning to liquid silver, flowing effortlessly from place to place, emotion to emotion, as Vanafridr sang to me and stroked my hair. It was so peaceful, I didn’t want to leave. I just wanted that to continue forever.

Of course, we must wake up eventually; and I was angry at the waking world for cruelly wrenching me from the most peaceful and happy moment in my life that I’d had for a year.

I went through the usual routines: get breakfast, go to work, lunch break, work some more, get dinner, go home. I read a little bit, built a reading list for next year on a whim; played some videogames with my roommate, and watched some anime. When the time came for sleep, I was elated. I went back to Vanafridr’s halls, and she was waiting, as usual, for my visit. She held me close and showed me more of her home, parts I’d never seen before. Gardens, pools, forests and meadows were followed by great and lonely golden-green halls indoors, and I got the sense that Vanafridr was the only permanent occupant. It was sad and happy at the same time; I was sad as my goddess and my great love was too much alone, but happy for myself; as I was the sole target of her attentions. I confessed such feelings to her, and she simply nodded, but she kept me close. I tried to stay silent, for fear that I might have offended her in some way, but she broke the silence and asked if I felt the same way as before. I told her I still wanted her more in my life, that of all the gods, she was the one I was most afraid of being separated from. I begged her to play a more active role in keeping me close to her, the better to keep me focused on her. The oath I swore was remarkably simple: “I again swear myself to you, my protector and keeper, and I pledge that not even the breaking of the world will take me from your sight.”

The rest of the dream was inconsequential; just spending time in her presence, the warm and comforting aura she exudes filling every fiber of my being, and more wordless conversations about nothing in particular.

Needless to say, repeated alarms this morning irritated me to no end, but such is life. I know she’ll continue to be there, both when I can and cannot see her.

She is my foundation, my spiritual bedrock. Without her, my life would fall apart, as it did when I had attempted to live as a ‘good christian’ and rejected her. She is my Keeper, and I absolutely adore her. When all else went horribly wrong, all I had to do was survive long enough to make it to sleep, and she would keep my heart and soul safe until morning, keeping the stresses of the waking world, all the anger and frustration, from ever reaching me. She is safe harbor in the storm, and when I’m with her, being with her is what matters most.

Now that I’m awake, I don’t regret swearing such an oath; it is one I want to keep close to my heart for eternity.

It does bring into sharp relief, however, the position I ask of Vanafridr. She is my most important deity for so many reasons, but among those, it is that she has always been whatever I needed her to be. Friend, sister, mother, lover, protector, teacher… to say that she is the center of my spiritual universe is no understatement.

I’m glad to have such a presence in my life. After all, we all deserve someone to live for, don’t we?

Gods bless.

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